Happy Easter.

What does Easter mean to you? What Easter meant to me, no longer does.
I thought about You a lot yesterday. Throughout the day, I really wanted some time with You. At night, I was thinking, "yes, tonight will be the night to thank You for what You did for me, for us. It's time for me to return, time to have faith in You again". But when the time came, I escaped. Typical. So far this year, I've learnt something about myself - I always escape and never face the problem. I can't bear to talk to You. I don't want to face You. It's a big decision.

Writing this post will require me to think about You, think about us. I know I am thinking about You so much because I need You help. But I feel like I'm using You. I always turn to You when I'm in trouble. And I'm in trouble now. I'm struggling with the academic side of things, my future. And that's why I'm turning to You. But that's not how it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to have faith in you through ups and downs. Not turn to You only when I'm in trouble.

I know. I've been told that I'm like the lost son. "But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found" (Luke 15:32). But I'm not back yet. When I think about having to come back to You, to go to church, to spend lots and lots of time with You, I can't believe it, but my thoughts are "I can't be bothered".

I guess there is no better time to confess than Easter. I guess this is a reminder for me to think about You lots and lots. You're always on my mind but I always run away, I make sure I do NOT have enough time to think about You. And now You force me to think about You, because it's an alternative to working on my thesis. I don't know what to do. Please treat this as my prayer to You. My first prayer is ages, and ages. I'm struggling. Work aside, I know I do want to be with You. I don't know if my faith is strong enough at this moment. Please help. Please help me. Please pull me closer.

Amen.